If you read the side bar of my blog you might have noticed that I have no kids of my own, but I hope to change that eventually. (Read: Soon.) Motherhood has always been part of my life plan, but sadly it still has not happened. In the midst of starting my current nanny job (with triplets) I suffered a miscarriage. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I cannot thank The Cs enough for their kindness and understanding during a difficult time of adjustment to my place in their family while dealing with my loss and disappointment. It has been 2 years and I still have not let go of those feelings of regret and blame. I often wonder about the child that might have been. I know I allow myself to wallow in misery more than I should, but it's a little bit difficult not to considering that I spend my days pretending to be the thing I WANT to be most in the world.
Children are so perceptive. Even before the miscarriage the desire to have my own children was so great that I would tear up at the cutest of diaper commercials. Usually I am able to push my feelings aside, but one day as I was snuggling the "2 girls" during a sickness-induced snow day, a few tears escaped as a diaper clad baby toddled across the screen.
"What's wrong, Nora?" C asked.
"Oh, nothing," I replied, cuddling them closer.
"You're crying cause you want a baby, huh?" She responded insightfully.
I had to laugh and commend her perceptive nature. Her hugs were just the thing to remind me to be thankful for all the time I get to spend with other people's children.
I'm not saying that it isn't difficult to be in the situation I am in, it is. But on days when I'm down, it's nice to know that even little people that aren't mine love me. That's a big consolation. So is reading things by other women who share my sorrow.
Please visit the links below if you or someone you know has had similar experiences.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/on-lisa-lings-new-website-women-find-ways-to-cope-with-tragedy-2429017/
http://www.secretsocietyofwomen.com/
Oh Nora! I had no idea (and I feel bad that I didn't.)
ReplyDeleteI am on the other side of the table with this. I know a lot of ladies who have suffered losses and difficulty having children (including my mom and both sisters) but personally haven't experienced it. I can imagine the pain and disappointment. When you share things like this it is a nice, gentle reminder for me to always be grateful for what I have, even on the toughest day. I will pray for you!
I cannot wait for you to be "mama nora" in addition to "nanny nora" :) Remember it is all in God's hands and you have a supportive family beside you. We love you <3
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